Confessions ...

I confess ..I am paranoid about getting married.There are no pressures but I know its gonna happen sometime next year.Am I ready ? Hell no !! Not yet.The decision I take now is gonna shape the next phase of my life.Do I wanna be with someone? Yes I do.But on my own terms.Is it possible in a marriage ? Of course not.The only term in a marriage is a life long sentence where there is no parole.I know I feel this about a marriage yet I do not believe in casual habitating with another human being either.Its contradictory.I do not want to live the utterly individualistic self sufficient life of an ambitious person , I do want the mess of people around me and yet I crave my freedom to be as I am now.Damn ! I still haven't figured out what I want.Nobody prepares you for this in life.

I was watching 'Marley & Me' today and even though the film is a lot about the dog-man bonding , all my eyes could notice was Jen Aniston going from a talented reporter to a full time mom with three kids and no career.In the end it all came down to that ?She seemed happy.Would I be ?'Scary ' is the word that popped in my mind!

I have seen all my sisters sacrificing their careers.Maybe we are not heartless people who can leave hearth and home when circumstances demand and keep their own ambitions ahead of everything.I am so close right now to something I have always dreamed of that I do not wanna leave it now.I would be giving up my dreams.Giving up everything that I have always worked for.It is so strong that I can feel it in my blood ! 

I can't make a decision.Let destiny decide.I am just hoping that  I can call myself 'destiny's child'.I know I want my cake and eat it too...Is it not possible just this once?

~A, Conflicted....