"Maybe God has a bigger plan for me than I ever had for myself"

Mixed Feelings..

I am back from a long trip from home.Yet strangely I don't know what to feel.I am thrilled I met my parents and all my

loved near and dear ones.I am sad I had to leave them and come back to a place where I live alone.Yet I tell

no one what I am feeling deep inside.I do not have tears as i change airports after airports saying farewell

to the ones who care.I wonder what they think ? And I wonder what am i feeling ?Why do i fear to feel ?

Why can't I live in the moment for once and give into my feelings ? I know it makes me no more weaker or stronger

than I already am if I show what I feel.Yet I stop myself.I fear that any sign of weakness would plunge me

into a twisted spiral to the dark deep abyss of vulnerability.And I don't even want to start going to that place.So I stop

myself from feeling what I feel and I move on.But how long ? What if I break down ?Some people say either you are strong

or not.I say there are millions of times I have to be strong when I am not.

When I see my mother who stays thousands of miles away bidding me goodbye through the glass of the airport lounge with teary eyes without knowing when she will see me next.

How do you stop yourself from feeling anything when that long longtime friend of yours is shedding few silent tears

instead of giving you her sunny smile on her birthday as I leave?

How do you not feel anything when your 5 yr old niece who loves you so much just refuses to come out of the bearhug because

she can't bear that you are leaving?

How do you stop yourself to feel anything when someone who is not your mom says that she is so proud of you that she would want

a daughter like you instead of ten sons anyday and blesses you whole heartedly as you leave?

How do you feel saying goodbye to the two loving sisters who encourage you to be who you are and support you in your pursuit of dreams?

Yet I don't cry .I need to stay strong.But maybe I have been wrong.Maybe being strong is not about not showing your true feelings.

Maybe being able to cry those tears and yet trudging along like a Trojan soldier in the face of odds is what truly maketh you brave hearted.

Maybe its ok to show you care and say yes I feel the same.Maybe I can try and maybe one day I will be what strength is in the

true sense.Till then ...I will try...

~A, hopeful of the many maybe s...